to every thing there is a season...

that came to me as a title for this post- and it occurred to me- I didnt know the source- apart from Byrds lyrics. Turns out its a biblical quote- and its extremely apt just now- so I will start by quoting it in full....

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8


Since I last blogged- I have been dealing with my RL trauma- I am still off work, on anti-depressants and in therapy. My mental state regressed further than I had hoped after the attack but I am full of hope that the rebuilt me will be a better, more stable person- its an opportunity. Right now, I struggle to have anything to do with anybody but a few trusted individuals. I rarely leave home except to see my therapist, doctor or fetch groceries. I do still DJ in SL- and I do have a few ppl that I am close to- but even there I almost never hang out- I go to work then back home. The "new" me hasnt been able to shake off the past totally- I knew that continuing to DJ would mean I might be recognised- but I rather naively assumed that as I had started over in a new avi- in new places- that people would realise I had broken with the past- but, some people never move on, it seems. It just makes me more reclusive and less inclined to be around people and the surprise has been how little I miss that life.
I am not the only one in SL undergoing huge change it seems- I occasionally do a profile/blog perve. In the main, I am relieved that these things no longer impact on me- and just occasionally, I feel for some of the people who are. The drama explosions lately in some areas has thrown some interesting shit to the top of the pile and I will bet that the aftershocks will be equally as puerile and entertaining. Its kinna like a car crash- you know you shouldnt look- but you just have to peek.
I am still not sure about continuing this blog- Callie is almost certainly not going to return to SL and I have no intention of linking this blog to my new SL life, yet I do like to post occasionally.

vacuum packed

thats how my brain feels. I went back to work for a few days- but I had to go sick again. I simply am not coping- the doctors are saying I have PTSD- and thats a long process of therapy to come. I havent begun counselling yet-being tossed from one place to another like a hot potato and I am not on any meds. I saw my GP today and I do now have a prescription- I am thinking i should take something. I dont sleep more than 3 hours at a time- and I am suppressing my dreams. The trauma is coming out in odd ways- and my memory is still a total joke. I am also freaking about the most innocent of situations. One good thing is SL- I have a low key life- do a lil DJing- play with the land I got- love to landscape- and I explore. I love the creativity of SL- the freedom. Seems everybody is some kinna hudsucker or treasure hunter these days- I cant relate- why come to a limitless place and set goals- which are gonna restrict you? I found one or two amazing friends too- the aussie, the northern git and the yank- you enrich my SL beyond measure, guys. You and the two I allowed in from Callie days- such treasure.

I didnt see it coming...

I am off work currently- on Saturday, I was assaulted again. This time it was a sexual assault- not serious- but nevertheless it has upset me badly. Its odd- I could have accepted a punch much easier than what happened. Its 3 days ago- and I can still feel his hands on me now *shudders* I wont get graphic- but it was unprovoked and unexpected- and mercifully brief. Hopefully the police will get the fucker. All this has put the rest of my life into a bit of a shadow- I am just wandering round, sitting at the pc and occasionally sleeping- trying not to sleep for too long- in case i dream. I am heading to the doctor tomorrow- think I could do with some blotto pills for a few days. Its quite ironic as the only respite I have is SL- and yes, its fun- I think I deserve a little fun. My favourite new possessions are my sharks- Ozzy and Sharon- you can tell Ozzy- hes the one swimming in aimless circles...

reincarnation

something I always subscribe to- a hella lot easier in SL *grinz* I see by the traffic tailing off to this blog that people have lost interest- and that allowed me to do the inevitable- yes, I am back in SL- occasionally. Who am I now? NU-UH! Not because I want to deceive or indulge in any of the amateur dramatics- but because I am NOT recreating the shitfest that Callie lived in. My new character looks different- goes different places- does different things. Of course- its not hard to work out- its still me at the pc- but the chances of bumping into me are strongly diminished as I avoid all the old haunts, activities and people. With one exception- I still DJ- I still get a buzz from it- so, I still do it. So, SL has gone back to being fun- I RP a lot now- something Callie rarely did. The whole focus of the place has shifted for me- its pretty cool right now- I am having fun- made some great new friends. Those of you who were kind to me- please dont feel aggrieved- but if I contact you all- then I am simply recreating Callie- and I really cant do that- it was way too painful. If I ever see you inworld- I will say hi- so if some random av starts chatting- say hi back- it might just be me *smiles*
RL- well, it continues its erratic path- back on late shifts this week, I much prefer them. I had the ickiest experience this week...a bad reaction to a mosquito bite- I seem to suffer since I became diabetic. Anyhoo- I had what I thought was a HUGE blister form- it was bout the size of a quails egg. After a couple days, I was still using antihistamine cream to stop the itching- and this "blister" fell off- it was solid- like a jelly pad. I FREAKED! underneath was a raw patch which now seems to be healing ok- but OMG- I never saw anything like that before. I guess I need to be more careful- I have taken to spraying insect repellant daily at home. Hmmmmm- does that last bit qualify as tmi? I think so *smiles proudly*

Dawning

OK- this is likely to be a particularly rambling post- so- pay attention *grinz* I was jus wondering whether it makes sense to keep posting as Callie- as she is no longer a part of me? Trouble is- its a pain in the ass to start over- even with a blog- so- i will probly continue, just tweak the profile some. Has Callie been back to SL? Of course- a couple of times- to tidy up stuff and once to talk to...well- no matter- a closed door. Will she return? Highly unlikely- it was a sad and lonely place for her at times- a lot of good ones- but sheesh- the lows were fkn horrendous. Will I start over- maybe- lets face it- its an addiction- and I do miss it at times. One thing is for sure- I would hang in different places with different people, doing different stuff- why recreate shit?
Sooo- what have I been up to? Basically working!!! Right now I am on a long weekend- so, of course the fantastic weather we have had here headed for the hills- its grey and rainy- but thats ok- getting stuff done round the flat- being domestic. I have to say- nothing hugely exciting happening- I just felt like a waffle.
I considered going to a different world- but that held no appeal either- the very things that make SL such a painful place are the ones I enjoy- the freedom, the unstructured nature of it. SL was always my social life- first of all because I had no confidence or money to pursue one RL, and latterly because my free time isnt conducive to a RL social life- so its been pretty weird- watching some more tv- BAD- catching up on some movies- not so bad.
You see the way my mind is going? Yeah- me too *sighs* addiction is hard work, yanno. Anyhoo- I guess its probable that a new avi will turn up in SL in the future- but dont bother informing the drama police- they wont be associated with Callie- or what would be the point?
I know a lot of people read this- well- would be kinna pointless blogging if nobody did, huh? So- I wanted to say thanks to the couple of people who took time to send me messages lately- Unome and Aldo. IM to Callie do find their way into my e mails *smiles*
Now- I have the most exciting day planned- gonna cruise the aisles of the supermarket- then I have a pamper afternoon planned- its all about MEEEEEE!!!!

gone away

I finally got to the end of the line. My SL is in pieces once again- and I dont have the energy to put it back together. I guess that I wanted too much- I spent too much time alone there- too much time worrying- too much time being deceived- I can do all of that RL. I doubt I will be back- even the dumbest animal learns eventually. It took me almost three years and a small lake of tears- its time to walk away. I will still blog from time to time.

move on.......

lmao- I can imagine the scramblin THAT title is gonna cause- fooled ya all!!!! It refers to my pleas to my passengers on Sunday night. I was working the last train down from London- and a HEAP of people who had been to the Springsteen concert in Hyde Park were trying to get on- we didnt quite have to resort to pushing them into the carriages- but it was close- I have never seen a more crowded train. I was safely in the rear cab, but omg- I felt so sorry for em. We are havin a fantastic spell of hot weather here- around 90 degrees- its sooo nice! I love it hot- and I dont mind wet either- umm- humid- umm- well, wet works too..... *grinz* As you can tell, I am in good humour currently- today is a day off and I been to the hairdresser- guaranteed to cheer me up- I duz like ma pampering.
SL? well- big changes there too- I have found a purpose- a project is underway. I am turning my attic into a party room- its lookin kinna cool and I am lookin forward to having a few laughs there. The idea is to recreate some of the fun times- fuck the drama an the high school shenanigans- jus fun an laughter.
I am hangin with some different ppl these days- and lookin up some old friends too- the rebirth of my SL is well underway. When I chose the phoenix as my emblem- I had no idea how accurate it would be- risen from the ashes a few times now- and- here we go again.........